Rajindra:
Nice work on the first draft of the essay. It is much improved from the draft you showed me previously. I wrote copious margin notes on your essay. So that you may read them, I scanned and uploaded copies of your work. (Please find the links below.)
Here are a few key suggestions for revising your essay:
1) In the first sentence of your introduction, you write "Women in Iraq." Do you mean Iraqi women? Think about revising this sentence to include something to the point that these women are serving in the United States military. Also think about adding something to "performing jobs." What kind of jobs are these women doing in Iraq? Mostly, they are non-combat.
2) Think about adding some kind of transition statement between the first two sentences in the introduction. You jump too abruptly from Iraq to women in the United States Navy. A sentence introducing the idea of the origins of such activity lying in the Second World War might be helpful. Think also about including a brief explanation of the acronym "WAVES."
3) The sentence that begins "A lost was contributed" is confusing. Who did the contributing?
4) At the beginning of the second paragrpah, think about including a sentence or two about how, after the United States' entry into the Second World War, personnel and resources in the Navy were stretched to the breaking point.
5) The first time you mention a person, you should include their full name. What is Commander McAfee's first name?
6) Why do you include the amount of money each WAVE received per month? How does it help you support your thesis statement? If it does not help you support the thesis statement, delete the sentence.
7) I like the first sentence in the third paragraph; it has a nice style and directs the reader clearly to your next point.
8) The first quotation in that paragraph needs a bit of explanation. What does the one WAVE's statement about "bouncing around tell you about the testing the women underwent? Do you know the woman's name? If so, it should be included.
9) You need to include citations for each paragraph, especially ones that include quotations.
10) You start a new idea with the sentence that begins "The recruiters also kept . . ." You should give this idea its own paragraph.
11) A transition statement is needed between the last paragraph on the first page and the first paragraph on the second page
12) The sentence that begins "Hunter College was commissioned . . ." should be moved to the beginning of the first paragraph on the second page. It's a better introduction to the establishment of a training facility at Hunter College.
13) A transition statement is needed between the first and second paragraph on the second page.
14) You need some kind of statement at the end of the second paragraph of the second page, explaining how the information you provided supports your thesis statement.
15) In the first sentence of the first paragraph on page three you use the term "combat." NO WAVES were trained for active combat; instead, they were trained for combat support.
16) Most of this paragraph is a quotation. You should use a quotation only when how the author says something is noteworthy. Otherwise, you should paraphrase the important information.
17) At the bottom of the first paragraph on page three, include a statement on how the information in the paragraph helps you support your thesis statement.
18) I was confused by the middle paragraph on page three. Why was it included? How does it help you support your thesis statement? If it does not, delete it.
19) You should think about including information on where the members of the WAVES went after their training at Hunter College? What additional training did they receive? Where?
You have a really nice start on an essay; you just need some revising to wrp things up.
Please let me know if you would like to meet after the workshops sometime next week to discuss your essay.
Chuck.
Lady Navy 100
February 1943 - Hunter College is commissioned U.S. Navel Training Center (WR) which received 2,000 apprentices for WAVES and SPARS.
Lady Navy 102 4th paragraph
December 30, 1942 - The Secretary of the Navy "authorized a centralized recruit or "boot" for WAVES to be established" at Hunter College
Lady Navy 103 first/second paragraph
January 15, 1943- Hunter College is ready "to receive its first consignment of enlisted women."
WAVES was given four main buildings, during bad weather conditions WAVES was granted the use of the Eighth Regimental Armory of New York.
Lady Navy 105 first/last/ third paragraph
Times of entrance and graduation of the WAVES were arranged so that new groups of WAVES about 2,000 "strong" entered every two weeks.
Maps, ship models, tools and charts were given to Hunter for the WAVES.
received “a Link trainer, various airplane models, a tail gun, aerological equipment, parachute packing table and parachutes, a voice recorded and instruments to test voices for control tower aptitude, airplane dashboard equipment and many other devices”. These equipments were shipped to Hunter causing aviation housing to rise. “charts of naval insignia, naval organization and regulations”
Lady Navy 108-1092nd/last paragraph
Midnight of December 30, 1943 - 47,000 WAVES put on duty.
June 1945- The "Navy's Bureau of Personnel was to establish a rehabilitation school at the Naval Training School, the Bronx, where the Hospital Corps WAVES would be trained in a sixteen-week course, plus practical application. One hundred and fifty WAVES, already serving at various naval hospitals, received this specialized training. This number was designed to meet the demands for skilled personnel to aid those physically handicapped during the war. ... The largest group of these WAVES was prepared to serve as occupational and physical therapists." The taught the blind to read and write Braille, to type, and to learn new ways of taking care of themselves."
Navy to Return Hunter College Buildings....(2nd paragraph)
Hunter College had its buildings taken over by the mayor on January 1st. The classes at Hunter would later be resumed in February.
200 Bronx Tenants...... (2nd paragraph of "Other Expenses Refused"
"Joseph Platzker, chairman of a committee set up by Mayor La Guardia to aid 613 families in thirteen Bronx buildings taken over by the Navy to provide quarters for WAVES and Spars..."
WAVES Spar Drive Opens Tomorrow (last paragraph)
On the day when 1,200 women were to be enlisted in the Navy, a special subway train was "to take the inductees to Hunter College's Bronx campus..."
Waves Spar Get Paid (1st paragraph)
At a rate of only $50 a month, pay turned out to be $20.
Primary Source
Applicants were put through a brief physical test.
HQ for WAVES- Smith College, Northampton, Massachusetts
WAVES Deactivate.....(first paragraph)
3 years after 80,000 WAVES received boot training, U.S.S. Hunter is decommissioned "...and the keys to the four buildings in the Bronx were turned over to Dr. George N. Shuster, president of the college."
WAVES May Occupy..... (first/last paragraph)
"Uptown Hunter College, at Bedford Park Boulevard, and Navy Avenue, the Bronx, is to be utilized by the Navy for the training of WAVES..."
"It was reported that officials of another local college had offered the use of their women's dormitories for the training of a corps of Waves."
Waves Relinquish.....
"U.S.S. Hunter" was decommissioned back into a school.
WAVES Sentries Skilled.....
Waves were assigned to "...patrol 'The Hill', posts near the apartment houses which serve as barracks for the Waves."
Waves were taught "...billy techniques, parrying, and all essential tricks for countering attacks."
Man Does Shopping....
2,500 bunks beds (Kingsbridge apartment)
wooden lockers
150 watts for each room (minimum)
fed cafeteria style.
laundry = problem. (Lt. not sure if one comp. could handle it, divided into 4 parts)
....Recreation Hall
-Had sofas, easy chairs, tables, lamps, writing desk, mirror, pics., 3 card tables, 2 ping-pong tables, and a radio.
-Items supplied by B'nai B'rith
-managed by Riverdale Lodge of B'nai B'rith
Other Stuff
Trained for aerial navigation and helping wounded or sick sailors/marines.
2 of the four buildings that came with the campus when it was taken over were used as classrooms. (Hunter Unit Taken by Navy)
-Waves Reviewed by Commander McAfee
The Navy did not really need the WAVES. It was developed to help the men in the Navy do the jobs that needed to be done.
A year before the first anniversary of the Waves, Commander McAfee was afraid that the men in the military would think of them as being sissy. -Hunter Unit Taken by Navy
Navy took Hunter so that as many as 5,000 women in the Women's Reserve could be trained at one time.
T- What the Waves were given as a part of their training at Hunter College
Q- because I want to prove that they were offered was necessary
R- in order to understand how the played their part in the war.
Secondary TQR
(general steps of WAVES)
T- I am studying the process women had to go through as a member of the WAVES
Q- because I want to prove how the Waves were of importance as a part of the war
R- in order to learn how they helped soldiers in the war.
Rajindra:
Nice work on the first draft of the essay. It is much improved from the draft you showed me previously. I wrote copious margin notes on your essay. So that you may read them, I scanned and uploaded copies of your work. (Please find the links below.)
Rajindra_Essay_page_1.jpg
Rajindra_Essay_page_2.jpg
Rajindra_Essay_page_3.jpg
Rajindra_Essay_page_4.jpg
Here are a few key suggestions for revising your essay:
1) In the first sentence of your introduction, you write "Women in Iraq." Do you mean Iraqi women? Think about revising this sentence to include something to the point that these women are serving in the United States military. Also think about adding something to "performing jobs." What kind of jobs are these women doing in Iraq? Mostly, they are non-combat.
2) Think about adding some kind of transition statement between the first two sentences in the introduction. You jump too abruptly from Iraq to women in the United States Navy. A sentence introducing the idea of the origins of such activity lying in the Second World War might be helpful. Think also about including a brief explanation of the acronym "WAVES."
3) The sentence that begins "A lost was contributed" is confusing. Who did the contributing?
4) At the beginning of the second paragrpah, think about including a sentence or two about how, after the United States' entry into the Second World War, personnel and resources in the Navy were stretched to the breaking point.
5) The first time you mention a person, you should include their full name. What is Commander McAfee's first name?
6) Why do you include the amount of money each WAVE received per month? How does it help you support your thesis statement? If it does not help you support the thesis statement, delete the sentence.
7) I like the first sentence in the third paragraph; it has a nice style and directs the reader clearly to your next point.
8) The first quotation in that paragraph needs a bit of explanation. What does the one WAVE's statement about "bouncing around tell you about the testing the women underwent? Do you know the woman's name? If so, it should be included.
9) You need to include citations for each paragraph, especially ones that include quotations.
10) You start a new idea with the sentence that begins "The recruiters also kept . . ." You should give this idea its own paragraph.
11) A transition statement is needed between the last paragraph on the first page and the first paragraph on the second page
12) The sentence that begins "Hunter College was commissioned . . ." should be moved to the beginning of the first paragraph on the second page. It's a better introduction to the establishment of a training facility at Hunter College.
13) A transition statement is needed between the first and second paragraph on the second page.
14) You need some kind of statement at the end of the second paragraph of the second page, explaining how the information you provided supports your thesis statement.
15) In the first sentence of the first paragraph on page three you use the term "combat." NO WAVES were trained for active combat; instead, they were trained for combat support.
16) Most of this paragraph is a quotation. You should use a quotation only when how the author says something is noteworthy. Otherwise, you should paraphrase the important information.
17) At the bottom of the first paragraph on page three, include a statement on how the information in the paragraph helps you support your thesis statement.
18) I was confused by the middle paragraph on page three. Why was it included? How does it help you support your thesis statement? If it does not, delete it.
19) You should think about including information on where the members of the WAVES went after their training at Hunter College? What additional training did they receive? Where?
You have a really nice start on an essay; you just need some revising to wrp things up.
Please let me know if you would like to meet after the workshops sometime next week to discuss your essay.
Chuck.
Lady Navy 100
February 1943 - Hunter College is commissioned U.S. Navel Training Center (WR) which received 2,000 apprentices for WAVES and SPARS.
Lady Navy 102 4th paragraph
December 30, 1942 - The Secretary of the Navy "authorized a centralized recruit or "boot" for WAVES to be established" at Hunter College
Lady Navy 103 first/second paragraph
January 15, 1943- Hunter College is ready "to receive its first consignment of enlisted women."
WAVES was given four main buildings, during bad weather conditions WAVES was granted the use of the Eighth Regimental Armory of New York.
Lady Navy 105 first/last/ third paragraph
Times of entrance and graduation of the WAVES were arranged so that new groups of WAVES about 2,000 "strong" entered every two weeks.
Maps, ship models, tools and charts were given to Hunter for the WAVES.
received “a Link trainer, various airplane models, a tail gun, aerological equipment, parachute packing table and parachutes, a voice recorded and instruments to test voices for control tower aptitude, airplane dashboard equipment and many other devices”. These equipments were shipped to Hunter causing aviation housing to rise. “charts of naval insignia, naval organization and regulations”
Lady Navy 108-109 2nd/last paragraph
Midnight of December 30, 1943 - 47,000 WAVES put on duty.
June 1945- The "Navy's Bureau of Personnel was to establish a rehabilitation school at the Naval Training School, the Bronx, where the Hospital Corps WAVES would be trained in a sixteen-week course, plus practical application. One hundred and fifty WAVES, already serving at various naval hospitals, received this specialized training. This number was designed to meet the demands for skilled personnel to aid those physically handicapped during the war. ... The largest group of these WAVES was prepared to serve as occupational and physical therapists." The taught the blind to read and write Braille, to type, and to learn new ways of taking care of themselves."
Navy to Return Hunter College Buildings....(2nd paragraph)
Hunter College had its buildings taken over by the mayor on January 1st. The classes at Hunter would later be resumed in February.
200 Bronx Tenants...... (2nd paragraph of "Other Expenses Refused"
"Joseph Platzker, chairman of a committee set up by Mayor La Guardia to aid 613 families in thirteen Bronx buildings taken over by the Navy to provide quarters for WAVES and Spars..."
WAVES Spar Drive Opens Tomorrow (last paragraph)
On the day when 1,200 women were to be enlisted in the Navy, a special subway train was "to take the inductees to Hunter College's Bronx campus..."
Waves Spar Get Paid (1st paragraph)
At a rate of only $50 a month, pay turned out to be $20.
Primary Source
Applicants were put through a brief physical test.
HQ for WAVES- Smith College, Northampton, Massachusetts
WAVES Deactivate.....(first paragraph)
3 years after 80,000 WAVES received boot training, U.S.S. Hunter is decommissioned "...and the keys to the four buildings in the Bronx were turned over to Dr. George N. Shuster, president of the college."
WAVES May Occupy..... (first/last paragraph)
"Uptown Hunter College, at Bedford Park Boulevard, and Navy Avenue, the Bronx, is to be utilized by the Navy for the training of WAVES..."
"It was reported that officials of another local college had offered the use of their women's dormitories for the training of a corps of Waves."
Waves Relinquish.....
"U.S.S. Hunter" was decommissioned back into a school.
WAVES Sentries Skilled.....
Waves were assigned to "...patrol 'The Hill', posts near the apartment houses which serve as barracks for the Waves."
Waves were taught "...billy techniques, parrying, and all essential tricks for countering attacks."
Man Does Shopping....
2,500 bunks beds (Kingsbridge apartment)
wooden lockers
150 watts for each room (minimum)
fed cafeteria style.
laundry = problem. (Lt. not sure if one comp. could handle it, divided into 4 parts)
....Recreation Hall
-Had sofas, easy chairs, tables, lamps, writing desk, mirror, pics., 3 card tables, 2 ping-pong tables, and a radio.
-Items supplied by B'nai B'rith
-managed by Riverdale Lodge of B'nai B'rith
Other Stuff
Trained for aerial navigation and helping wounded or sick sailors/marines.
2 of the four buildings that came with the campus when it was taken over were used as classrooms. (Hunter Unit Taken by Navy)
-Waves Reviewed by Commander McAfee
The Navy did not really need the WAVES. It was developed to help the men in the Navy do the jobs that needed to be done.
A year before the first anniversary of the Waves, Commander McAfee was afraid that the men in the military would think of them as being sissy.
-Hunter Unit Taken by Navy
Navy took Hunter so that as many as 5,000 women in the Women's Reserve could be trained at one time.
T- What the Waves were given as a part of their training at Hunter College
Q- because I want to prove that they were offered was necessary
R- in order to understand how the played their part in the war.
Secondary TQR
(general steps of WAVES)
T- I am studying the process women had to go through as a member of the WAVES
Q- because I want to prove how the Waves were of importance as a part of the war
R- in order to learn how they helped soldiers in the war.
*do Radial WEB*
*Focus on the training.*